Beyond the Score: Managing the Powder keg of Complicated Relationships (part 1)
Leadership can often feel like an emotional powder keg welling up inside of us. When the conflicting emotions and cognitive dissonance spike—especially after we’ve had to give the difficult gifts of Presence and Space—what are we to do with that internal turmoil? How do we keep moving forward amid the negative emotions that accompany the high-stakes environment we find ourselves in?
Developing relational intelligence is hard work because it requires an intentional focus: We must handle our own emotions before we can effectively interact with others on our team. This isn’t to suggest that your feelings are bad. But left unattended, they quickly become a distraction that sabotages the relational progress you are trying to make.
When that happens, we have to “reprogram the computer.” Instead of getting trapped in a fixed, binary mindset of good versus bad emotions, we can embrace a growth-oriented approach.
Here are two specific techniques that are helpful in regaining control, ensuring you are managing the energy in the room and not the other way around:
Name It, Claim It, and REFRAME it!
Mistakes are going to happen. But for the Type-A leader who feels like everything has to be right all the time, mistakes can feel devastating. If the error is made by someone else, that feeling often doubles. When you are stuck in a pattern of concern with a team member, the best thing you can do is engage in this three-part strategy:
Name It: Kindly and succinctly identify the behavioral pattern or outcome that is causing concern. Focus on the pattern, not the person.
Claim It: Immediately admit your part in the pattern. This could be unclear direction, lack of follow-up, or even your own emotional reaction. This vulnerability disarms the other person and establishes shared ownership.
Reframe It: This is where you escape the binary mindset. Anxiety usually gets worse when we allow ourselves to think problems are bigger than they really are. Listen for absolutes in the language being used—phrases like “always” or “never.” Those are the first signs that someone is locked up in a fixed, binary mindset. Offer an opportunity to gently rearrange that thinking. Reframing allows both of you to see that the pattern at hand is more nuanced than that.
It is that nuance—that rejection of "always/never"—that invites both you and your team member into a more solutions-oriented relationship. This is the fertile soil where growth, rather than anxiety, can bloom.
Make the First Move
It is inevitable that we will become overwhelmed by the people on our teams who just aren’t interested in our leadership. No matter what effort you expend, they seem unwilling to fully get on board.
This is where you must acknowledge your limitations. You only have so much to give. Strategically, you must recognize who on your team is willingly moving toward you and focus your most intensive time and resources there. Those are the only people you can truly impact and develop in the short term.
Your first move is choosing where to invest your most valuable assets: your time and your energy.
For those who are actively moving away from you, your job is not to chase them, but to consistently offer a steady platform for connection. Some people are just contrary by nature. And that’s okay! Your energy toward the unwilling should be focused entirely on building foundational trust, not forcing compliance.Remember this simple equation: TRUST = Competence + Consistency + Confidence.
Focus on offering your best work (Competence), showing up reliably every day (Consistency), and leading with conviction (Confidence). Let them take your efforts as they choose to accept them. Instead, choose to focus on something different - those who choose to turn towards you, not away.
The Portfolio Manager
Ultimately, leading with relational intelligence isn’t about giving 100% of yourself to everyone; it’s about being a portfolio manager of your own emotional reserves. You don't sink all your emotional “capital” into failing stocks (the unwilling/resistant patterns). Instead, you Name, Claim, and Reframe the small losses, then strategically invest your most valuable assets—time and energy—into the right “growth opportunities”: the team members and relationships that are actively moving toward you.
This shift in perspective is a powerful tool when it comes to diffusing the powderkeg of negative emotions we have to navigate as leaders.
Complex relationships require emotional clarity, not constant reaction. The IN TONE Leadership framework helps leaders manage internal pressure, reframe anxiety, and invest their energy where growth is possible.
These strategies are explored more deeply in IN TONE Leadership, alongside practical leadership reflections in Let’s Take It From the Top and Gotta Get Back in Time—resources for leaders navigating high-stakes relational environments.
Next week we will take a look at two additional tools we can use as leaders to keep our energy and efforts focused in the right direction when it comes to relating to others.
See you at the next rehearsal!