Beyond the Score: Managing the Powder keg of Complicated Relationships (part 2)

Last week we confronted the reality of the emotional powder kegs we often face as leaders that create a special mixture of unease and anxiety. Managing our own internal turmoil is the first move of relational leadership. To do that, we must learn to step outside of the fixed, binary mindset of good versus bad and learn to see our relationships as more nuanced in nature. We must become like a portfolio manager of our own emotional reserves, investing our assets - time and energy - into those who intentionally turn toward our leadership and not away from it. That doesn’t mean we ignore the complicated folks on our team. It just means that our energy needs to be more precisely focused on developing trust first. 

Now that we have managed the internal chaos and made the strategic choice about where to invest, the next question is about precision and impact. In a high-stakes environment where we often feel like we're caught in double binds or fighting a proxy threat, how do we ensure our actions lead to the best possible resolutions and outcomes? How do we stop wasting our limited capital and move beyond the anxiety that arises from uncertainty?

Here are two specific techniques that are helpful in ensuring you are leading with clarity, maintaining your emotional equilibrium, and investing your efforts in the most constructive place possible:

Aim at the Right Target

Anxiety is contagious. It is like a virus that runs rampant, and when another person comes in hot sharing their struggles, it's easy to quickly become overwhelmed and pulled offside. There is a temptation in that moment to try and ease the tension by dismissing it, with phrases like, "It can't be that bad, can it?"

The infection of their emotional fever can cause you to begin focusing on your own unease instead of using your influence to help them. This is where you mistake the wrong target (your own comfort/anxiety) for the right target (the other person’s clarity/understanding).

To course correct, use a technique I call echoing. It’s something that happens in music all the time: A vocal soloist sings a phrase and the chorus then doubles it in a restated manner.

When another person is coming in hot with overwhelmed and incoherent sentences, pause, and then ask them if you can echo what they said in an effort to confirm your understanding. For example: "I hear you saying that you're overwhelmed by the deadline and frustrated with the resources. Is that right?"

If you get it wrong, you get corrected and clarified. If you hit the target, it sends the unmistakable message of understanding and connection. 

Bottom line: Inoculate yourself from emotional derailment by focusing on the right thing: the other person!

Manage the Energy in the Room Like a Boss

The path to regulation begins with awareness. Leaders who are task-oriented sometimes forget the importance of managing the energy levels of their team. Like a spreading virus, anxiety and worry can infect team meetings quickly. Especially when leaders are solely focused on getting from point A to B as quickly as possible.

Once you are aware of the collective energy in the room, you have to be intentional about diffusing negative momentum and injecting positive movement. A well-placed joke or good story can completely change the dynamic of the team. Break into smaller groups with focused discussion topics.

One of the most effective ways to diffuse unease is to develop your playfulness and levity. Levity helps to reframe circumstances without losing focus on the real challenges at hand. When things seem overwhelmingly bleak, playfulness and optimism can help others to relax and see the potential for other possibilities.

Bottom line: Well-placed optimism and levity can help keep the team focused on the right thing: the problem in front of you!

The Conductor-Leader

Working with complicated people is the tough stuff of leadership. To maintain emotional equilibrium, you must learn to lead like a conductor standing in front of an ensemble—fully present and focused. You can’t get pulled offside by the contagious emotions of others. Instead, be intentional with your energy and focus.

Leadership clarity is rarely about doing more—it’s about aiming better. The IN TONE Leadership framework helps leaders regulate emotional energy, focus influence where it matters most, and lead with precision instead of reaction.

These tools are explored more deeply in IN TONE Leadership, with practical leadership reflections in Let’s Take It From the Top and Gotta Get Back in Time—resources designed to help leaders conduct the room instead of reacting to it.

The move from just waving your arms (reaction) to truly conducting (regulation) begins with intentionality.

Stop reacting to the room. Start actively conducting it.

I’ll see you at the next rehearsal.

P.S. This post is part of a larger conversation about the dynamics of leadership. If you're a leader looking for support on your own journey, you can find information on my one-on-one work on the homepage.