Beyond the Score: Dealing With The Double Bind
We've been looking at how the cognitive dissonance we sometimes experience in our relationships can have an impact on our internal world as leaders. Last week, we explored the specific dissonance that comes from mixed messages.
Growing up, I loved sci-fi movies, and I still do. My favorite Star Trek movie of all time is easily The Wrath of Khan. It was in this movie that I first heard of the Kobayashi Maru, a training exercise designed to test a Starfleet officer's character in a no-win scenario. It wasn't a test of technical skill or strategy, but a test of how a leader deals with a situation where there is no logical way to win.
The double bind is a leader's version of the Kobayashi Maru—an unwinnable scenario. It is a situation where you are forced to choose between two equally unappealing options. No matter what you choose, you lose. Depending on the bind, these scenarios can result in either relational or internal unrest.
Relational Double Binds
Whether you are dealing with family members or work colleagues, relational double binds are tough. A common example is when a teammate approaches you with what seems like a simple plea for help: “I need you to jump in right now and help me find a simple solution to this complex problem, and only you can help!” Regardless of the boundaries you might be setting, this person has an expectation that their needs come first. So in an effort to serve your teammate, you listen and offer suggestions. But quickly, the “complexity” of their problem results in them shutting you down at every turn. You've lost your boundary and you can't seem to find a way to help them through their problem. It's a classic lose-lose situation.
Personal Double Binds
This kind of “no-win” scenario doesn't just come from other people; we often put ourselves in these positions too. This can be particularly difficult to unwind as a leader and usually manifests as an inability to make simple decisions or ruminating on the unintended consequences of the seemingly insignificant. You might become paralyzed by a fear of failure when an internal voice says you must be perfect, even while your rational mind knows that mistakes are essential for growth. This is the double bind of the perfectionist. Similarly, a leader can be caught in the ambition trap, feeling guilty about neglecting their personal life if they work hard, but fearing they'll fall behind if they don't. And finally, some leaders feel caught between the modern mantra of authenticity and the deeply ingrained need for approval, risking either rejection for being themselves or inauthenticity for trying to please everyone.
Surviving the Kobayashi Maru
In the Star Trek universe, the most famous encounter with the Kobayashi Maru is that of James T. Kirk, who, as a cadet, took the test three times. Each time, he failed. But on his third attempt, he reprogrammed the simulation so that it was possible to win. When questioned, he famously stated, "I don't believe in a no-win scenario." Because of his ingenuity and refusal to accept defeat, Kirk was awarded a commendation for original thinking. He was the only cadet to ever beat the test.
Similarly, when we are faced with our own seemingly no-win scenarios, we tend to think in only binary terms, where there are just two options. Like Kirk, we have to realize that there are often other ways to approach the problem. It is that boxed-in feeling that generates our unease. When that happens, it is important to slow down and consider how much energy you want to expend on the decision at hand. Weighing the importance of the decision can be enough to shake us out of the binary loop we find ourselves in.
But some double binds are truly lose-lose. When that occurs, make a decision and get on with it. There is no need to punish yourself by ruminating on the other choice when it is just as bad. The most powerful choice we can make is to accept the paradox, choose a path, and move forward with clarity, refusing to be trapped by the illusion of a no-win scenario.
This is all part of an ongoing leadership series grounded in the IN TONE Leadership framework, which examines how leaders navigate complexity, paradox, and pressure with greater clarity.
Next week we will take a look at another type of double bind I call the Catch-22 Conundrum and how we as leaders can overcome the unrest it often causes us.
See you at the next rehearsal!